to say that food is the only thing which I think about or which really fuels me would, in itself, be stating an obvious falsity. food brings people together: food can be the reason for almost anything. Food fills me up; food brings me down. But food cannot sustain itself as an independent thought process--it is created with thought and often renders thought but cannot replace thought.
I am as an individual not what you would always call a free thinker. I spend a lot of time thinking and I think about what I will do, but I don't intend for thinking to be the sustenance of my existence. I have recently found it quite difficult to mold myself into someone who, as a matter of being, is inexplicably intertwined in constant thought. I find myself so overwhelmed with all the thoughts and the ideas which come to mind as a result of my "thinking binges." I am I guess in this stream of consciousness trying to express my fear at the idea of becoming more "thoughtful" than I already am. I am fearful that I will create for myself a path into territories unnamed, regions undiscovered, which ultimately show me something I am not sure I want to discover. Not that I fear myself as an individual, but more that I'm just not really ready to grow up even though I try so hard sometimes. I feel as though if I was ready to grow up I would not be living in a life-sharing community. I spend so much of my time enjoying: laughing, cooking, being tickled, hugging, sing-song'ing--and although the idea of sitting down and thinking all the time theoretically could embody the yin to my already personified yang--it seems it would be without the sense of balance which would actually create two mirroring and to borrow the expression of a friend, "wave-like" approaches to 'being.' Alternatively, I feel like, as of recently, I am somehow consciously or perhaps intentionally trying to balance all of my free thinking into one designated bloc of time which in the end does nothing less than overwhelm and confuse me when I step away from it.
Perhaps Macrobiotics hold the future for me: the intentional balance of life-giving nutrients which then seep into all the other nooks and crannies of my life. Peace is good!
On a side-note, in this very moment I feel I AM at peace. I am writing on my newly acquired re gifted laptop Bessie :), listening to Sufjan Stevens' 'Illionoise', sipping cranberry juice and seltzer, nibbling German Ritter Sport, and enjoying proper "mood lighting: colored christmas lights and an unfortunately energy-sucking incandescent light-bulb. If fluorescents were more appealing mood-wise I would totally go all out. Perhaps candles are really the only way to go (but still carbon emitting...).
I am starting to get really excited about the prospect of traveling to Europe: Italy specifically, during my Spring Break and I am pondering the balance between this indulgence and all of the financial-related sadness of our everyday reality. It almost seems like I would be postponing my "reality." But that it is!
I feel that I am experiencing a lot in situations which are both self-created and spontaneous, and I feel I will be something I am happy with when I finally find someone or something sweet enough to bring me clarity with a little mud and perhaps some saliva (but water works, too).
If God would personify himself in you this my life would be.
