Saturday, February 26, 2011

Too late

So for days I've been carrying around thoughts in my head, wanting to put them here, and then at the same time, not wanting to. Because I need to make up for lost time. For you.

And here it is, all written out:

I don't really know what I want. I want to be able to go to work, feeling productive researching literature for my long-term, temporary, free-willing job at the office I have to make a call every morning to get into. About this job: I get to spend as much as, or more than, eight hours a day under the guise of 'research,' but really, I'm reading. I'm reading with the intent of locating pieces of classic and important literature appropriate for tenth graders in my state. Not for their curriculum, but for their end-of-year assessments. I pick the literature, and after it's gone through a long weeding-out process, someone writes the questions. And this all happened to me just because my mom happened to be in a room where someone was looking for an English major. And she thought of me. I didn't even have to interview.

And it's not the only search and research I have right now, not at all. Of course there's this other volunteer job for a fantastic nonprofit, but that's not it, either. I should say that it seems like I'll be here in Raleigh for a while. The job's not going anywhere, even if it is on a temporary basis. And I'm connecting with old friends, which is so thrilling. But the real search which gets me, which made me stop researching (a bona fide bonus of my work is spending time in the university stacks) is the connecting with New People part. I'm finding out that I'm not so good at that. And especially when it's boys. Boys you meet at parties and talk to because you found that you can. But then realize you don't know how to keep talking to them, without giving the wrong idea. Because I'm not good at this. And I'm not interested in giving the wrong impression. And deep down inside I know that I, and so many other man-I's out there, just want a real connection. But do you turn away or become indifferent if it isn't something you want to spark? And how should I already decide that? Because I had some wrought-out idea of what a spark is?

Perhaps it just means that I need to put myself out there, at more parties and more let-me-introduce-myself moments. Perhaps so that I can see past my own nose and see hearts and noses that don't involve me, so that I don't make it all about me. So that it doesn't feel so heavy when I try to not make it about me but all the signs point back, again. 

Even if I'm slow going, this is life. This is a constant meet and share, hold and release, here and not.

And just being a friend is more than words will ever have to be.